Twist's Fan Fic Notes

[Twist of Fate]

I would greatly appreciate opinions and constructive criticisms on my ideas and fan races, I hope to become an author and could use input from fellow creative writers

The setting takes place after the first game but before Zelnick finds the Mark II. Not long after the slave shield went up from earth, the VUX announced that they had made the Neo-Hierarchy, an alliance of races that want to destroy the New Alliance of Free Stars. Led by the VUX, the Neo-Hierarchy is also made out of the Mycon, the Umgah (they don't hate the Alliance, but they think being a part of the Neo-Hierachy will be more fun), the Ur-Quan Kzer-Za (who plan to steal control of the Hierarchy the VUX), and the Druuge.

Another alliance between aliens has also developed, the Neutral Collective. Led by the Supox, these aliens are tired of war and refuse help to both the Alliance and the Hierarchy. The other races that are a part of this group are the Spathi and the Zoq-Fot-Pik (who are secretly still members of the Alliance and are double-agents, only the Chmmr know this).

The Orz eventually disband from the New Alliance and becomes enemies to all.

The Arilou'laleelay on the other hand become proper members of the New Alliance of Free Stars, they are also revealed to be humans from alternate univerese in which the Alliance of Free Stars won the war, but the humans (eventually the Arilou) became horribly corrupt and experimented on themselves to become "superior" to the other members. A failed experiment with entering another universe completely destroyed their own, the ashamed humans wandered the many dimensions until they found the one where the games take place. Fascinated by this alternate earth, they swore to protect them from evil dimensional races (like the Orz) and make sure they don't repeat the same mistakes the Arilou did back in their universe. The humans would never make these mistakes, but the Arilou stuck around just in case.

There is one more alliance of aliens though they don't appear until later: The Despotism of Destruction and Darkness. Made ou of aliens that are PURE evil and are a much greater threat than the Neo-Hierarchy.

-New races-

The Taalo
Allegiance: Eventually The New Alliance of Free Stars
Ship: Taalo Crusher
Appearance: Large floating boulders with smaller boulders that float around them. In the center of the boulder is a quartz-like hole.
Bio: Yep, the Taalo return! They inhabit their own plane of existence near Quasispace, where they have watched Zelnick and his allies fight against the Hierarchy. They are seriously saddened by the corruption of their old allies the Ur-Quan and now want to help them become good again, a intense war with he Orz has prevented this however. Eventually Zelnick desroys the Orz and befriends the Taalo, the return of these rocky aliens also calms down the Ur-Quan Kzer-Za who leave the Neo-Hiearchy.
The Taalo have a deep southern-drawl, they say "I 'reckon", "Howdy", and "Y'all" a lot

The Qwarin
Allegiance: Neo-Hierarchy
Ship: Qwarin Healer
Appearance: Cobra like creatures with large compound eyes and gills on their cobra hoods
Bio: These creatures feed on filth and thrive on poison, they can only live on worlds that are devastated by toxic gases. They firmly believe other races "ruin" their worlds by cleaning up pollution. This mindset has made them close allies to the Mycon.
They have "hollow" voices, like someone speaking through a long pipe.

The Yupool
Allegiance: Eventually the New Alliance of Free Stars
Ship: Yupool Dueler
Appearance: A tall lumpy alien with two sides; one side is bright green with a jolly grin and single large eye, the other side is purple with a toothy frown and three small eyes. In the center of the two sides comes out a large muscled arm with four sausage-like fingers.
Bio: The Yupool were originally two separate races who evolved on different planets that were in the same system, the Yupp and the Pa'Pool. The Yupp were very kind, but also dim-witted and oblivious. The Pa'Pool were much smarter, but were rude and grumpy. The two races didn't entirely get along, though they did like each other and were surprisingly protective of one another )the Orz once found them, and the two races banded together to fight them off). After a few years of a friendly if uneasy alliance, their sun went supernova. There was a mass exodus, it was almost successful but the two races did get skimmed by the supernova's explosion. Both their ships and their bodies were melted by the heat and they were fused together. They would been lost if it weren't for the Taalo, who were keeping an eye on the two races after the Orz tried to take them away. The Taalo saved the fused races and asked them if they wanted to be separated. The Yupp and Pa'Pool actually liked being forced together, and agreed that having thier mentalities and bodies fused will benefit them. The Taalo agreed this change was for the better and helped the newly created Yupool find a new homeworld. The Yupool eventually meet Zelnick and would help him fight the Orz who were starting to attack other races.
The Yupp side of the Yupool has a jovial British voice, whilst the Pa'Pool side has a gruff cockney accented voice.

The Grafters
Allegiance: The Despotism of Destruction and Darkness
Ship: Grafter Needle
Appearance: A vaguely grey humanoid made entirely out of tentacle-like arms with gaunt clawed hands. Three thicker tentacles come out of the center, these have large bloodshot eyes with cat-like pupils.
Bio: A monstrous race that are obsessed with creating "the ultimate weapon", they are responsible for the creation of the Mmrnhrm Mother Ark and the Mycon. They seem especially interested in Zelnick and want to meet him.. Most likely to experiment on him. The Mycon are terrified of them and the Chmmr remember them and hate them with a passion. The only other race aware of their existence are the Umgah who saw them whilst experimenting with a Quasispace portal maker, they are the one thing the Umgah take seriously and warn Zelnick when they start appearing in truespace.
They communicate telepathically, which is indicated by the echo in their raspy voices.

[Alvarin]

Good luck with the story!

Several things - The Kzer-Za would not "serve" under anyone.
The ZFP as spies? Kind of hard to believe with the constant arguments between therm we've seen in SC2.
Supox are simbionites, if it were the Utwig that are leaders, they'd join to help, but this is a race of number two, not leaders.
I really dislike the Yupool... Individuals can be fused, but the genetic structure would not pass to next generation this way, it needs serious re-thinking.

After re-reading all this, it's just criticism, I hope it can be constructive...

[Twist of Fate]

Good luck with the story!

Several things - The Kzer-Za would not "serve" under anyone.
The ZFP as spies? Kind of hard to believe with the constant arguments between therm we've seen in SC2.
Supox are simbionites, if it were the Utwig that are leaders, they'd join to help, but this is a race of number two, not leaders.
I really dislike the Yupool... Individuals can be fused, but the genetic structure would not pass to next generation this way, it needs serious re-thinking.

After re-reading all this, it's just criticism, I hope it can be constructive...

DEFINITELY constructive, this is very initial material and I wanted opinions to help refine them

The Kzer-Za aren't the kind to serve, but they ARE wily and intelligent. They will pretend to obey the VUX to inflate their already huge egos and then they strike when the squids least expect it.
Actually the ZFP ARE terrible spies, the situation is more for comic relief than anything else
I agree that the Supox as leaders IS not very good idea, that was a very early idea but after replaying Star Control II I realize they ARE followers and not leaders. The Supox were meant to have a personality change after becoming leaders as the Utwig would stay with the Alliance, this separation would cause the Supox to become much more competent but also very ferocious and bitter. I'm actualyl writing out the ida of the Neutral Collective all together, it makes things too complicated.
Lol, the Yupool backstory I constructed VERY hurriedly as when I was writing this post I realized I gave no explanation on why they were fused together. Do you think it would be simpler for them to be one race at the start, or maybe the result of experimentation via another race.

Thank you very much for your input

Btw, when I want to post more information on the story should I respond to my own post or edit my first post?

[Alvarin]

I think just replying in the thread will make it easier to follow, because I personally VERY rarely go to re-read the first post, and I think if you just edit your previous post, there is no indication for this and nothing to prompt people to go to re-read it.

Kzer-Za would still need VERY convincing reason... Perhaps say there were only a handful left in this region of space, without the ability to contact the rest of them across their conquered half of the galaxy... I still think they would prefer to die than to be subservient, even if it would be fake, because they know they aren't the last of the species.

The Yupool appearance (and therefore backstory) need some work, I seriously doubt anyone could plausibly explain how the hybrid RACE rather than individuals could come into being with such clear bi-lateral division. The idea itself is doable, Chmmr works as hybrid race, SC3 Vyro-Ingo are done quite well from dual-personality aspect.
Sun going nova wouldn't be something to just spontaneously happen, it takes quite considerable amount of time and can be predicted with high accuracy from very long before that.
Here is my take of what could work, possibly-
The expected nova caused mass exodus of two separate races, during which they got attacked by the ORZ. The Yupp and the Pa'Pool got pulled into *below* but managed to escape. This brief excursion into that dimension rendered them into being sterile, or, better still, caused severe chemical dis-balance, which would kill te survivors. Then Taalo helped them engineer a life-form that could integrate the two species into single interconnected entity, when one's metabolism balances another, letting them survive. Later they found that all offsprings of individual races go still-born and Taalo changed/enhanced that bio-connection organism to also be the procreation aid. Generations later they got re-formed from two connected beings into singular form with mixed features but two distinct brains and in general two organs sets.

[Twist of Fate]

I think just replying in the thread will make it easier to follow, because I personally VERY rarely go to re-read the first post, and I think if you just edit your previous post, there is no indication for this and nothing to prompt people to go to re-read it.

Kzer-Za would still need VERY convincing reason... Perhaps say there were only a handful left in this region of space, without the ability to contact the rest of them across their conquered half of the galaxy... I still think they would prefer to die than to be subservient, even if it would be fake, because they know they aren't the last of the species.

The Yupool appearance (and therefore backstory) need some work, I seriously doubt anyone could plausibly explain how the hybrid RACE rather than individuals could come into being with such clear bi-lateral division. The idea itself is doable, Chmmr works as hybrid race, SC3 Vyro-Ingo are done quite well from dual-personality aspect.
Sun going nova wouldn't be something to just spontaneously happen, it takes quite considerable amount of time and can be predicted with high accuracy from very long before that.
Here is my take of what could work, possibly-
The expected nova caused mass exodus of two separate races, during which they got attacked by the ORZ. The Yupp and the Pa'Pool got pulled into *below* but managed to escape. This brief excursion into that dimension rendered them into being sterile, or, better still, caused severe chemical dis-balance, which would kill te survivors. Then Taalo helped them engineer a life-form that could integrate the two species into single interconnected entity, when one's metabolism balances another, letting them survive. Later they found that all offsprings of individual races go still-born and Taalo changed/enhanced that bio-connection organism to also be the procreation aid. Generations later they got re-formed from two connected beings into singular form with mixed features but two distinct brains and in general two organs sets.

I REALLY like your take on how the Yupool could have come into being, I may just tweak that a bit and use it. Thank you very much!

I never really explained the situation of the Ur-Quan in the story before, so heres what I have thus far:
After the destruction of the Sa-Matra, a vast majority of Ur-Quan fled the galaxy distraught and panicked. All of the Kor-Ah left and most of the Kzer-Za, a small faction of Kzer-Za however were determined to regain their control of the galaxy. Controlling only a few systems, the Ur-Quan Kzer-Za have no choice but to become equal allies with the races they once enslaved. Once again serving as scouts, the Ur-Quan eventually found devastated but salvageable pieces of the Sa-Matra. The Ur-Quan then devised their plan: to create a new Sa-Matra-like battle platform that they can use to take control of the Neo-Hierarchy (they lie to the VUX saying they will give it to them) and then rally their slaves to defeat the New Alliance of Free Stars, then contact the rest of teh green Ur-Quan of their victory so that they may return.
Fortunately, the Melnorme find out about this and quickly tell Zelnick.. After paying of course. The main conflict early on in the story is pretty much a race between the Alliance and the Neo-Hierarchy for the many intact parts of the Sa-Matra. Things naturally get more complicated as things go along, especially when the races that are a part of the Despotism of Destruction and Darkness come in. Speaking of...

The leader the the Despotism of Destruction and Darkness, which shall be called the DDD for the rest of this post

Zebul
Ship: None
Appearance: True form unknown, but he usually takes the form of a twisted creature resembling a earthling fly when speaking with mortals
Bio: The biggest villain in the entire story. Its unknown where this eldritch horror came from (it is NOT Them, though it probably is a similar being), but it's goals are quite clear: to eat EVERYTHING. For thousands of years Zebul has traveled from universe to universe with its insatiable hunger, as it eats souls and worlds it grows stronger until it can devour the entire plane of existence it occupies. Good news is that Zebul has to use up most of its power to travel to another universe, and even better news is that the Precursors attacked Zebul in this vulnerable state just as it was about to devour the Galactic Core. Unfortunately, Zebul is not a mindless monster, in fact it can be surprisingly charismatic. It has won the "friendship" of the Grafters and other fowl races, it intends to build up its power as its servants search something as powerful as the Galactic Core for their master to feed off of (The Precursors continue to guard the core, and even the most ferocious members of the DDD shudder at the thought of facing them). As irony would have it, this source of power is the final piece of the Sa-Matra: The Infinity Heart, the almost unfathomably powerful battery that powered the Sa-Matra's weapons and engines. The DDD is enters the galaxy just as Zelnick finds the Heart, and the second act of the story begins.
Naturally Zebul is destroyed, though I have yet to think up how it will definitely involve the Taalo, the Ur-Quan Kzer-Za, and the Precursors.

[Twist of Fate]

Sorry for inactivity, there has been a lot going on for me

Either way, heres some more material I had that I would like opinions on:

First and foremost, eventually the Ur-Quan Kzer-Za work with the New Alliance and Neo-Hierarchy to defeat Zebul, but there is one thing I can't decide...

Should the Ur-Quan Kzer-Za redeem themselves? or should they remain zealots after the villain is beat?

Another important thing is I've decided to do away with the Neutral Collective, they made things too complicated. The Supox are still on the side of the New Alliance and the Spathi are still under thier self-imposed slave shield (though that shield dosen't stay for long..)



Fwiffo

Good old Fwiffo is still at Zelnick's side, though still a coward he has managed to gain a bit of courage. One thing is for sure, Fwiffo now serves Zelnick out of a sincere loyalty rather than tagging along for protection. He hasn't gotten any smarter though...


Shuriken

A granddaughter of Tanaka's, unlike most female Shofixti she has no interest in becoming a mother and wants to explore the galaxy like Zelnick. Despite her tomboyish attitude Shuriken is considered very beautiful, her fur is a bright brown rather than grey and she has striking green eyes. One other notable feature of Shuriken very large breasts, she is well into the age when a Shofixti maiden starts giving birth since she hasn't had any children to nurse, her breast milk has continued to fill her chest, she is greatly annoyed by this fact and a running gag is her bosom hitting the buttons in her ship causing some hijinks. Near the story's beginning Shuriken and Zelnick meet, she pretty much overwhelms him with her feminine wiles and tricks him into letting her join his crew. Desptie a shaky first impression, Zelnick and Shuriken become great friends, the shofixti maiden also becomes close to Talana and even Fwiffo (though the Spathi takes great delight in making fun of her tomboyishness and bursting bust).

The Black Spathi Squadron

It turns out these guys actually exist, and there are TWO factions of them! The main Black Spathi Squadron are the closest things to space pirates in the galaxy and they terrorize both sides of the war. The other faction however are honorable and compassionate, they call themselves the Dnyarri Angels and become allies to the New Alliance.


The Klik
Allegiance: The Neo-Hierarchy, later the Despotism of Destruction and Darkness
Ship: Klik Psycho
Appearance: A large yellow orb connected to two smaller orbs via a blue tentacle like appendage that pierces them all like a chiskabob. Each orb has openings, a lot like gills, on their fronts with a Cheshire Cat-like smile protruding out of said gills.
Bio: They are actually called the KKKKKKKKKKKKKlik (pronounce each K with a "keh"), but has naturally been shortened. Just like the Orz, the Klik are a race from another universe. Also just like the Orz the ship's computer has to translate what they say, unlike the Orz however the translations of these words manage to be even MORE demented and often hostile.
Example
Zelnick: Who are you?
Klik: We the KKKKKKKKKKKKlik, we are *knives* that needs the *heart*, we are *auditors* that view your *head*

Zelnick:Err.. okay? Do you know the Arilou and the Orz?
Klik: Arilou are *(profanity) mutants* and Orz are *mounds of detritus*, you *naive chicken* don't know them like we do. They are both from *places of light*, we come from *places of fear*

Zelnick: Would you like to become allies hellspawn?
Klik *devourer*! *murderer*! *slave driver*! You are *solid*! We are *formless* and you are *solid*

Zelnick: En garde you spherical sleazes!
Klik You will *die*, our *darkness* shall *pierce* your home