How 'bout them crazy links?

1. Raise army of loyal Hindu/Humaniacs

Any good despot needs a loyal army. Any army may be subject to foolish concerns about morality and sanity of their leadership, however, so a jihad is always preferable to the secular kind of war. The cause is just: "The world's supply of cattle has been cruelly enslaved and degenerated to a breed of... livestock. Go forth and break the chains of their oppression." You can see why raising an army of cow afficianados serves its purpose. Oh, sure, laugh now. When the Cow Liberation Army kicks down your door and hauls you into the streets, calling you nasty things and pointing at the frozen beef patties in your freezer, you won't think it's funny anymore.

2. Liberate all cattle

The key to the plan is the cattle, of course. Once my army, through terrorist and guerilla attacks, has the entire world paralyzed in a combination of fear and convulsive fits of laughter, I will step forward and gather up all the scattered flocks of cattle, like Moses did the Tribes of Isreal. Then, I will lead my herds to the promised Pasture, safely guarded from the attacks of people who want steak. For this, I will place my army, no longer serving any purpose, along the perimeter of my bovine mecca, to absorb shellings and small-arms fire safely outside the stockyard and the vital cattle.

3. Begin processing milk

With all of the world's supply of cattle safely under my thumb, dairymen will find themselves quickly and unsatisfactorilly unemployed. However, to those willing to continue their work and to contribute to my conquering of the world, I will offer them the chance of the life time -- to make dairy products that the entire world must buy or go without. Given the nature of dairy products, I would lean towards their making hardy and lasting forms of cheeses (notably "government" cheese) and powdered milk. What's that? You don't like american cheese or powdered milk? Get used to it, pasty boy. That's all the milk you'll be seeing from now on. Ice cream, will, of course, be manufactured for myself and my own personal guard and harem.

4. Appeal to kids through mass-media

For years, the National Dairy Council has tried to market milk for its purported growing powers, and claims that if one drinks milk, one will grow up big and strong. Given the nature of children to bully those that they can get away with, I will offer milk to a select cadre of youths showing elevated tendencies of bullyhood. Thusly fortified with calcium, vitamin D, lipids, and other good things, these children will be the bullwark of my new empire, easilly pushing around rebellious adults, whose bones and muscles would have already gone weak from osteoporosis. These "milk-junkies" will, of course, be exceptionally loyal, for I control the milk. Should they step out of line or otherwise question my supreme authority, I need only strip away their milk privileges and they will be reduced to snivelling footstools, begging for my mercy.

5. Patrol the shores for shells

To prevent wily or insane, milk-craving eggheads from suggesting that the masses could hope to supplement their brittle bones with calcium from sea shells, loyal children will be employed to patrol the sea shores and gather up every sea shell they can, so that they may be deposited in collection bins. These shells will be ground up and processed in the siliage so that the cows will continue their output of calcium-rich dairy products for myself and my forces. Realizing that this may not be popular with children, school chalk is another source of calcium, and it will also have to be rounded up and guarded, thereby preventing teachers from utilizing their blackboards. As schools are brought to their knees, the children will owe me a great debt, one that I will collect upon for the rest of their lives.

6. Rule world with iron fist.

With my vast forces strewn about the globe squelching all attempts at rebellion, I will have the world completely under my heel, and will do as I see fit. Those who have stood in my way will be publicly executed, as well as people I don't like, including Barney and those rotten Olsen twins. Yes, the world will be a better place for my tyrannical rule, and you will come to respect and love me as your benevolent master.

7. Write autobiography

To further my legacy, I will hand pick the best authors in the world and bribe them with generous supplies of cream and butter to craft the best autobiography money can buy. My story, of how I rose to ultimate, glorious power from humble roots and a sordid past, will be on every mantle and in every hotel desk drawer, right next to the Gideon Bible. All will love me, and my legacy will last forever.

Enlist me now, oh Master!