Where are you heading?

[Rider]

Why are you returning home every weekend though? From experience, I'd say that the people who go home the most are the ones who take the longest to get used to their new home, and who have the most trouble creating a new social life there.

Well... it's two things really:
1. My life is at "home". All my friends... the people I play music with, the people I'm comfortable around, and essentially... the people I grew up with. I had a weird childhood which started when I was around 14... but that's a different story all together.

2. My apartment is what we call "supported living" (rough translation) which entails that you get support with basic needs like getting groceries, making sure your house is clean and cooking but also (and this applies to me most) going out on your own initiative and creating a social circle from thin air.

I've never been one to easily make new contacts if people I know don't already know them. It's autism related and it can make 'making new friends' quite a bit harder if I'm not forced to spend time with them already. (see: In school)

Eventually I'll spend less time at my parents, but more importantly, this form of living is temporary. And that sort of makes it a little harder to get used to... you see... the supported living thing comes with the education (which I mentioned, isn't your regular educational facility) and once I finished that, we'll be looking at jobs and a more permanent form of living.

I suppose that all doesn't make it a lot easier

Good luck with the music thing. Keep in mind that professional music is very hard work, to which you have to devote a lot of time, blood, sweat and tears.

Thanks! I'm not really focused on it at the moment... but I'm driven enough to push through once my current, somewhat messy, situation ends.

[Eth]

  Enjoy the music.  I've had a lot of good times along those lines, too.  I haven't really kept up with it, though.  I had to either drop music or gaming at some point, and I chose to drop music. 

  The best piece of advice to you I can offer is to avoid going into debt!  Seriously, that shit can ruin your life.  Better to eat ramen for a couple weeks than to start racking up credit card debts or something.  It took Rachel and me like five years to pay off credit card debts that took less than a year to accrue.  Be careful!

[Lukipela]

Disclaimer: I'm only speaking out of personal experience and observation here, I'm in no way qualified to give life advice. Nor do I imply that you need it. This is simply my thoughts on your situation, for better or worse. I realise some of what I say comes through as a little preachy, but feel free to ignore those parts. Hey, what do I know anyway?

Well... it's two things really:
1. My life is at "home". All my friends... the people I play music with, the people I'm comfortable around, and essentially... the people I grew up with. I had a weird childhood which started when I was around 14... but that's a different story all together.

This is something all people who move away from home experience at the beginning. The thing is though, if you go home all the time, you will never start to feel more at home where you live. When I first started studying, I used to go home every second weekend or so. Later on I went home more and more seldom, just as most of my friends started being there more and more seldom. I know people who have gone home every weekend for five years (mainly pampesians). And guess what? They are miserable here. They still don't feel like they live here, because they have very few contacts outside of school. And back home, most of their friends have either gotten families, or moved away, or started studying somewhere else. So they increasingly seldom see their friends either.

This is what you should be wary of. Everything changes. Unless all your friends back home are already settled in with jobs their going to work for the rest of their lives and significant others they intend to marry in a few years, chances are some/most of them will move somewhere else at one point or another. One of my best friends from Gymnasium (ages 16-19) did just that. He went home every weekend, without fail. He was always chastising other peopel for not coming home often enough. He didn't see why he needed to make an new friends, he already had all the friends he would veer need. He's now finishing up his degree, but he has very few friends where he studied. And back home, most of our old pals have moved away, or gotten families. So he lives at his parents, polishing his degree and playing computer games at 25.

Of course this isn't true for all groups. Some groups of friends stay rooted in the same place all their lives.

I'm not saying jump ship and abandon all your old buddies. But would it kill all your friendships at home if you were only home every second weekend? If you got used to where you live, rather than to where you don't?

2. My apartment is what we call "supported living" (rough translation) which entails that you get support with basic needs like getting groceries, making sure your house is clean and cooking but also (and this applies to me most) going out on your own initiative and creating a social circle from thin air.

I'm confused about how this is a reason for you going home every weekend. Your apartment helps with social things so you don't want to be there? Or am I reading it wrong?

I've never been one to easily make new contacts if people I know don't already know them. It's autism related and it can make 'making new friends' quite a bit harder if I'm not forced to spend time with them already. (see: In school)

I thought you already had. You know your neighbours who have a Wii. Why not watch a movie and chill with them? You have a nice flatmate. Why not hit the bars together (or farms or whatever you potsmoking lowlanders have). You know some people through your new school. why not try and go for a pizza or something with a few of them. does your school have any sort of tutoring program where you're all divided into groups. In that case, it might be easy to suggest to your tutor that you think going out with the group might be a fun idea.

Eventually I'll spend less time at my parents, but more importantly, this form of living is temporary. And that sort of makes it a little harder to get used to... you see... the supported living thing comes with the education (which I mentioned, isn't your regular educational facility) and once I finished that, we'll be looking at jobs and a more permanent form of living.

What a capital idea. Only when you have a full-time job, and assurances that you will be able to work there and remain at the same place for 10+ years will you stop travelling back to your home town every weekend. Even if you live at your current location for less than a year, you are still passing up opportunities to make new friends, and get to know new people. Everywhere you live will in some shape or form be temporary. That is no reason to put off living.

Thanks! I'm not really focused on it at the moment... but I'm driven enough to push through once my current, somewhat messy, situation ends.

Hopefulyl that will work out.

[Rider]

I'm not saying jump ship and abandon all your old buddies. But would it kill all your friendships at home if you were only home every second weekend? If you got used to where you live, rather than to where you don't?

You're absolutely right! I didn't look at it that way

I'm confused about how this is a reason for you going home every weekend. Your apartment helps with social things so you don't want to be there? Or am I reading it wrong?

Not quite... it's something that has yet to get started (the getting social thing) so up until then I'm more or less huddled up in my apartment all of the week

I thought you already had. You know your neighbours who have a Wii. Why not watch a movie and chill with them? You have a nice flatmate. Why not hit the bars together (or farms or whatever you potsmoking lowlanders have).

I know my neighbors through school... and my roommate is okay... but he's sort of a social numskull (much like myself... but a tad worse) and to say that I 'enjoy' spending time with him is a stretch.

Even if you live at your current location for less than a year, you are still passing up opportunities to make new friends, and get to know new people. Everywhere you live will in some shape or form be temporary. That is no reason to put off living.

Well as for the first bit... not really. I'm not so much passing up opportunities as to... not being able to create them. It's a bit difficult to explain but I think the bottom line is that I don't make friends. I don't make friends unless there's a specific situation in which I have to spend time with them.

There's just a lot I'm going to have to get used to and I'm not quite there yet... but I'm working on it! I don't handle changes too well (mayor changes mostly) so I believe that gives me a margin in which I can have a though time with moving out before I "get used to it"

I just have to stay positive

[Lukipela]

Not quite... it's something that has yet to get started (the getting social thing) so up until then I'm more or less huddled up in my apartment all of the week

Even though this doesn't really help with your social life, try not huddling. Go for walks in your neighbourhood. Explore the city centre. Look for nice movie theatres, pubs, and other places that might be fun to visit. Browse the local stores even if you don't buy anything. Get a feel for the lay of the land so to speak. It beats staring at four walls.

I know my neighbors through school...

There you go then. Don't make a big deal out of things, just do something fun. Even if you just watch a movie during the week, or run down for a pint, that's still a start.
 

and my roommate is okay... but he's sort of a social numskull (much like myself... but a tad worse) and to say that I 'enjoy' spending time with him is a stretch.

Well, you can't win them all. But part of life is learning to cope with people you don't like. Not saying you have to spend extended time with him, but it might be good to at least learn to deal with him.

Well as for the first bit... not really. I'm not so much passing up opportunities as to... not being able to create them. It's a bit difficult to explain but I think the bottom line is that I don't make friends. I don't make friends unless there's a specific situation in which I have to spend time with them.

Then focus on creating such situations. If you're athletic, does your school have any sports teams? Are there any bands looking for someone? Do you have some sort of computer/film/magazine clubs? Is there a debating club? Is there a society for those studying what you are studying that arranges movie nights and such? Is there a society for people from your hometown/part of the country/whatever? Is there a chess club?

There's just a lot I'm going to have to get used to and I'm not quite there yet... but I'm working on it! I don't handle changes too well (mayor changes mostly) so I believe that gives me a margin in which I can have a though time with moving out before I "get used to it"

Hey, you're trying. That's the important part. These are big life changes, things aren't just going to sort themselves out in a day or two. But as long as we try and dream, life has a funny way of sorting itself out.

I just have to stay positive

Indeed. Positive and active. hit the ground running, and don't let those bastards know what hit them! Or something.

[Lukipela]

I figured I'd dust this baby off, rather than just going on in the UQM thread. Why don't you fill us in on how your being social has worked out Rider? Made any new friends?

Anyway, where's my life heading? Right now, everything should be fairly nice. I managed to secure employment in my field straight after graduation, I was just offered a full time position and a small raise, and work is generally challenging and interesting. This is the good part. If you care very little for emotional distress, you may skip the rest.

Today however, I am a sad and sorrowful man. For the next 5 months, my life will not be heading anywhere. Yesterday my girlfriend left for France. She will be there for five months, and learn the language. While I'm sure that in a week or so, I'll have gotten used to living alone in our apartment, right now it just feels... wrong. It's too empty. It's lifeless. In many ways it feels pointless.

I obviously expected to miss her, but never this much. I actually feel physically sick to my stomach with worry, and longing. I wish I could just board a plane and go there. Alas, this is not possible.

So for five more months, the future is bleak.

[Rider]

I'm sorry to hear that Luki, it's never easy being really far away from someone you love... but I have a funny feeling that in not too long the future will start to look brighter (5 months is a long time you know...)

And as for your question on the being social part... it's progressing slowly but at least it's progressing

I have made a few (read 2) friends and I'm sort of proud of that but unfortunatly they're the kind of friend that you like hanging around but once you're no longer living near them they sort of 'disapear'

But hey that's ok, you gotta start somewhere right?

-

On another note I'm beginning to get sick of the prospect of being a service employee. I've been doing an internship for a few weeks now and I just don't see myself doing this for much longer then another month or so... and on top of that I find the air that the 'big business men' breathe is too sickening to stand...

Just let me sit in a dark little room a few evenings every week and write up code on demand, at least that way I'll have some more life left outside of work.

And in this time I like to work on music! It's been sitting still for a few weeks (a few short songs, and guitar practice but not really projects or anything) but recently I've started actual composing again! By the time I have anything to show for I'll upload a sample... it's gonna be hot!

[Eth]

I have made a few (read 2) friends and I'm sort of proud of that but unfortunatly they're the kind of friend that you like hanging around but once you're no longer living near them they sort of 'disapear'

But hey that's ok, you gotta start somewhere right?

  Indeed.  It will get easier in the future, I suspect. 

And in this time I like to work on music! It's been sitting still for a few weeks (a few short songs, and guitar practice but not really projects or anything) but recently I've started actual composing again! By the time I have anything to show for I'll upload a sample... it's gonna be hot!

  I'd love to hear some of your work, Rider. 

[2-23-6]

I'm sitting in a computer lab. There's this girl on the other side, with brown hair that kinda looks like my ex. Is it my ex stalking me?

[Lukipela]

I'm sorry to hear that Luki, it's never easy being really far away from someone you love... but I have a funny feeling that in not too long the future will start to look brighter (5 months is a long time you know...)

Yeah, it really does suck. Still, what does not kill us makes us stronger. In a roundabout way I suppose it's good for the relationship, I'm very sure now that I don't want to spend the rest of my life without her.

I have made a few (read 2) friends and I'm sort of proud of that but unfortunatly they're the kind of friend that you like hanging around but once you're no longer living near them they sort of 'disapear'

That's the thing about friends though. You shouldn't expect everyone to be a life long buddy. I had a lot of friends in my hometown. I only stay in touch with one or two of them. I had plenty of buddies at Uni. 5 months after graduation, I only keep in touch with two of them, and only see one of them any way frequently. I had plenty of great flatmates (10 in all, 4 or so really great). I still keep in touch with two, and see one very occasionally. The point I'm sure you're getting by now, is that we make new friends at every step in life. Some stick around, but most don't. That doesn't mean they are bad friends, or that you are bad at making friends. It just emans that when the thing you had in common disappear, they will no longer feel as relevant.

Also, you shouldn't underestimate yourself. Sure, two friends might feel like very little, but that's two more than you used to have. And now that you've realised that you can make new friends, rather than always depending on your childhood buddies (many of whom will drift away anyhow), it'll be easier next time. at your first workplace. At your hobby club. In the musicians guild. Wherever.

On another note I'm beginning to get sick of the prospect of being a service employee. I've been doing an internship for a few weeks now and I just don't see myself doing this for much longer then another month or so... and on top of that I find the air that the 'big business men' breathe is too sickening to stand...

Working with people takes a lot of patience, everywhere. But this is especially true in the service industry. As you may or may not recall, I used to do a lot of barwork, and at the end of the day customers can suck very badly. How well you deal with it depends on what kind of personality you have. Some people aren't cut out for it.

Just let me sit in a dark little room a few evenings every week and write up code on demand, at least that way I'll have some more life left outside of work.

Most jobs require you to work slightly more than a few evening a night though. Work isn't necessarily fun, but bills must be payed.

And in this time I like to work on music! It's been sitting still for a few weeks (a few short songs, and guitar practice but not really projects or anything) but recently I've started actual composing again! By the time I have anything to show for I'll upload a sample... it's gonna be hot!

Upload it when it's ready, we'll talk Scott into linking it on the front page and giving you top exposure among the nerd fanbase.

[Bleeding Star]

Yesterday my girlfriend left for France. She will be there for five months, and learn the language.

No wonder you've been so grumpy recently. You've been making so many snarky comments on UQM I thought you were on the rag. More seriously, you have my sympathy - I've done the long distance thing and it sucks dogs balls in most respects. Good that it helped you focus your thoughts though. Take advantage of her absence to do things that you would like to but can't if she's around, like visit titty bars, drink irresponsibly, and make long posts on almost-abandoned internet forums.

[Eth]

  Yes, I reme,ber being serperated from my girlfriend (now wife) for months at a time when I lived in Chicago and later Costa Rica.  I got a lot of stuff done that I otherwise wouldn't have.  Most of my solo music recording was done in a tiny one-room apartment in Chicago.  Solitude can be a blessing and a curse.  Take the opportunity that has been put before you; make the most of it!  She'll be back soon. 

[Lukipela]

No wonder you've been so grumpy recently. You've been making so many snarky comments on UQM I thought you were on the rag.

Just out of curiosity, could you link a thread or two where I've been snarky? I've no noticed it myself (other than possibly in jest with Valaggar), so it might be a good lesson to go through it and see it with new eyes. Also, are you registered at UQM? under what name?

More seriously, you have my sympathy - I've done the long distance thing and it sucks dogs balls in most respects. Good that it helped you focus your thoughts though. Take advantage of her absence to do things that you would like to but can't if she's around, like visit titty bars, drink irresponsibly, and make long posts on almost-abandoned internet forums.

Titty bars and drinking don't really excite me though. Drinking used to, but I'm starting to get too old for it, and titty bars never made sense to me anyhow. So I'll stick to posting

Why don't you tell us what it is you do and where you are heading?

[Bleeding Star]

Just out of curiosity, could you link a thread or two where I've been snarky? I've no noticed it myself (other than possibly in jest with Valaggar)

Er, linking would be too much effort. You sounded genuinely pissed with Valaggar's enthusiastic spamming efforts on a couple of occasions.

Also, are you registered at UQM?

No, I lurk. One barely functional message board is enough for me just now

Drinking used to, but I'm starting to get too old for it

You're never too old to drink irresponsibly!

Why don't you tell us what it is you do and where you are heading?

I'm doing a postdoc in chemistry in San Diego. Hopefully heading to Ireland before too long for postdoc number 2. Right this minute though, I'm off to the beach...

[Lukipela]

You're never too old to drink irresponsibly!

You are when it doesn't feel fun anymore.

I'm doing a postdoc in chemistry in San Diego. Hopefully heading to Ireland before too long for postdoc number 2. Right this minute though, I'm off to the beach...

What sort of chemistry?