The Yehat Story commentary

[Lukipela]

Yeah, this is just a crappy fanfic, don't get your hopes up. I wrote it a while back, but I'm not very happy with it. I find that writing in English makes me sound much choppier and all around sucky. Any suggestions on how to improve this would be improved.

[Death 999]

It's not as bad as you say. But it is very much tell instead of show. Perhaps instead of having Zeep thinking back abstractly, have him review one more time the detailed recollection of the visions, of things that would have happened had they been done differently. If you can convey the subjective viewpoint of the vision, that'd be more compelling.

[Lukipela]

That's an interesting idea. I was going for an unavoidable feeling but I felt that it was too simple and too distant. Writing it more from Zeps perspective would make it more emotional, and there are some other advantages too...

Thanks, that's a great idea!

[Lukipela]

So I took your advice, and I think it flows a lot better now. It may be a tad too dramatic and inevitable still, but it's better than before I think.

[Death 999]

I agree. A few lesser points.

1 -- she does die after speaking, right?

2 -- I think it works better if Zeep never mentions the black destroyers to anyone else. The movement is then more sincere.

3 -- he never uses his new name. Perhaps consistently use whichever name he has at the time he's thinking of?

[Lukipela]

I agree. A few lesser points.

1 -- she does die after speaking, right?

2 -- I think it works better if Zeep never mentions the black destroyers to anyone else. The movement is then more sincere.

3 -- he never uses his new name. Perhaps consistently use whichever name he has at the time he's thinking of?

1. Yeah, maybe I should make that clearer. I mention her becoming a martyr, but I suppose it could be utright stated.
2. Do you mean that Zeep-Neep doesn't mention it or Zeep-eep doesn't? Because the latter is already true. But I suppose I could make her statements less detailed. I kind of liek the reference though.
3. Yeah, this is probably a good idea. I'll go edit it soon.

[Death 999]

I was thinking that in the private discussions between the two of them, the Kohr-Ah could be mentioned, but that it would not be generally spread.

[Lukipela]

I was thinking that in the private discussions between the two of them, the Kohr-Ah could be mentioned, but that it would not be generally spread.

That's how it's intended, but I suppose it could be made a bit clearer.

[Dragon]

I've kept meaning to ask (and then kept forgetting ).  Can you break the stories up into shorter posts.  I think it might be more digestible and easier to comment on.

I'm looking forward to the next one still

[Lukipela]

Okay, the following changes have been enacted:

- Made it clearer that Veep-Neep dies.
- Made it clearer that no one knows why they were really exiled except for Zeep-Eep
- Put in a little bit about Rumdumdaddy/Zeep-Eep to make it clearer that he is one and the same. Still using Zeep-Eep in the beginning ,because I don't wan't to give away that this is really a Pkunk story until the egg.
- Split it up into three posts, about a regualr A4 piece per page.

So I'm kind of satisfied with it now. Maybe I'll go post it on frungylovers and see what they think as well

I'm looking forward to the next one still

The next one is a CYOA, it's almost done. But it depends on Chad a lot. I don't know if there are any more regular stories though, I prefer interactive stuff.

[Draxas]

The next one is a CYOA, it's almost done. But it depends on Chad a lot. I don't know if there are any more regular stories though, I prefer interactive stuff.

Awesome. Looking forward to it even more now.

[Lukipela]

Awesome. Looking forward to it even more now.

It's a multiple choice CYOA though, not a new ABKS. I'll still get back to that some day, but not just yet. Too much going on.

[Draxas]

I assumed as much, but I loved the Pkunk CYOA. Definitely can't wait to see what the next one has in store.

[Death 999]

Tiny tweak - in part 2, 'the people needs'. zap the s.