So my wife surprised me with a
bacon flavored chocolate bar the other day. To be completely honest, I love chocolate more than Lukipela loves gigantic gay orgies, and bacon is an entire food group for me, but the combination of the two scares me. Now it's 2AM, my wife is sick in bed, and I don't work tomorrow. After hours of working up the courage to actually try this thing I figured I may as well review it, and what better place than that which houses pretty much the entirety of my non-destroyed writings?
First ImpressionsAh, bacon. Food of the gods. A MEAL FIT FOR A MAN! Can you seriously imagine what humans did for breakfast before our great^great grandaddies figured out how to hit a pig with a rock and put it over a fire? That is NOT a world I want to live in; heart failure is a small price to pay. That said, this chocolate bar is obviously not made for a man. Aside from the tan coloring and vertical alignment design of the box, the lettering is far too small and soft. Hell, some of it is even raised... yeah, you read that right. The image of the bacon on the package DOES look cooked to perfection, though.
Upon OpeningOh good lord, vacuum sealed...
After getting the idea to post this here and looking up the websiteJESUS FUCKING CHRIST $7.50 FOR A CANDY BAR AND SHE'S TELLING ME TO WATCH MY SPENDING?! [this goes on for like 10 minutes]
After calming downOkay, let's crack this bad boy open... Oh god, it smells so good and so disgusting at the same time. Like dog food. Take a bag of that "Jack Links" Beef Jerky available at your finer American gas stations and upend a bottle of Hershey's syrup into it and you've got this smell. Damn, I need to let this thing air out...
10 minutes laterSo I let the candy sit outside to air out and cool down. I don't think I'll get as much baconny goodness, but then I'm not sure that's what I want. I unsheathed the candy bar and it's breakable into 8 pieces. I see no chunks of bacon, but it does feel slightly greasy to the touch. Oh god, my fingers have the smell on them. On 4 of the 8 pieces there's a relief of a tall, slender woman carrying a "Vosges" bag. My guess is that she's the type of 30-something, unskilled, uneducated, pretentious hipster wannabe that buys designer chocolate and essentially lives off accruing debt. I think I'm going to try one of the pieces which don't bear her image, they seem somehow slightly less nauseating.
A taste of overwhelming...Hey this isn't so bad, it just tastes like regular chocolate not like bacon at all I suppose I'll chew it. OH MY GOD THAT'S BACON THAT'S NOT GOOD WITH CHOCOLATE. WHY DID I CHEW ON THIS?!... WHY AM I STILL EATING THIS?! OH GOOD LORD THE CHOCOLATE IS ALMOST GOne... oh hey mmmm chunks of bacon.
ConclusionsUntil you bite it the chocolate tastes good. After the chocolate is gone the bacon tastes good. The interim is worth neither of these. You can't be surprised, though... it's pork and chocolate for crying out loud; I'd be surprised if a pig has even eaten a cocoa bean throughout history. There's a picture of the creator on the back with a small biography mentioning her food studies at top institutions and extensive world travel. I will literally punch this bitch in the face should I ever happen across her in real life because of what she has put me through. In one tiny chunk of candy she has come as close as anyone ever shall to ruining both bacon and chocolate for me. There is no goddamn way this goofy bink has any more experience with gourmet food than your average Serengeti zebra. Oh good lord, there's still seven more pieces... Ack, nasty, the aftertaste just hit. Any of you who've woken up the morning after drunk puking will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
