Peeru fanfic commentary

[Lukipela]

For those of you too lazy to head over to UQM and comment, you can also place comments here if you are so inclined.

[Death 999]

I'm even here now, so I'll read it. I figure after 120 reads, if no one has anything to say, that's, uh, confusing. Maybe it was so long everyone was scared off and didn't get into it?

Anyway, the funny part is, I'm finally about to get to the part where the concept that I originally wanted to use is going to come into play. After all of that, I hadn't quite gotten to it. I just got into the characters and the situation and found stories to tell along the way.

[Shiver]

I lost interest for a while. My thoughts are that the fanfic is not bad, but it isn't great either. I can try re-reading again and see if you fixed a lot of the name confusion that was there the last time I went though it.

[Zeracles]

As Zeracles so scaldingly put it, we have our fair share of wannabe writers.

Thanks Luki, you're not so bland yourself

I'm even here now, so I'll read it. I figure after 120 reads, if no one has anything to say, that's, uh, confusing. Maybe it was so long everyone was scared off and didn't get into it?

I read it a while ago, over a week of lunches, and I've also read the extra chapter you posted at UQMF. I haven't commented yet partly because I'd rather see more first, since I'm hoping it's building up to something. I think it's clever though, there are nice ideas throughout it. What really impressed me is that you managed to make the Druuge seem a lot more personable than I always pictured them. Looking forward to more.

[Lukipela]

I'm even here now, so I'll read it. I figure after 120 reads, if no one has anything to say, that's, uh, confusing. Maybe it was so long everyone was scared off and didn't get into it?

I think that may be it in part. I've only read up to part seven or so myself, partly because I then got distratced and when I returned there were 10 more chapters. Once BEL is over, I'll probably start making my way through this. Another reason no one has commented is probably that you haven't been present on this forum. Not much point in critiquing something if the creator isn't around for the feedback.

Also, it strikes me that you can't actually update anything here since I locked the thread. Do you want me to open it so that you can update it (or repost it udner your own name if that's your pleasure)?

Thanks Luki, you're not so bland yourself

Don't feed my ego, that's not good for me. It's big enough as it is. Now that you point it out, that was pretty unneccessary of me 

[Death 999]

I lost interest for a while. My thoughts are that the fanfic is not bad, but it isn't great either. I can try re-reading again and see if you fixed a lot of the name confusion that was there the last time I went though it.

If it were editable, I'd do that immediately. Since it isn't, no. There are several other errors and edits I'd like to make.

I guess I ought to repost fresh. Lukipela can Zapbliteredit the old thread or retitle it to make it clear it's not current.

I haven't commented yet partly because I'd rather see more first, since I'm hoping it's building up to something.

Yes, I have plans. As I said, I'm finally getting to the 'cool part' that got me started. To manage the pace, I may want to take out some of the bits in chapters 5-6 (the first mock battles) that were perhaps too slow and unimportant. Does that sound right?

Also, I may find some scenes that could be mentioned rather than shown. I'll reread and see what needs to be done.

What really impressed me is that you managed to make the Druuge seem a lot more personable than I always pictured them.

We always see Important People in the game, except Fwiffo and Tanaka/Katana, and we generally speak with them in official capacities. I always keep in mind that Captains are not ordinary people.
The question is, do the characters still ring true given how I deviated from expectations?

I think it's clever though, there are nice ideas throughout it.

That has been one of the things that held me up, often. Often I'd stall, even with the upcoming plot set in advance, because I didn't want to just push forward blandly. I wanted to make every scene, or at least every chapter, contain a fresh perspective, details that'd inform and fill in background in unexpected ways. Hopefully doing so such that later chapters continue to inform earlier ones in an organic fashion.

[Lukipela]

If it were editable, I'd do that immediately. Since it isn't, no. There are several other errors and edits I'd like to make.

I guess I ought to repost fresh. Lukipela can Zapbliteredit the old thread or retitle it to make it clear it's not current.

Unlocked the other one for quoting if you need it, I'll wipe it once you've reposted.

[Zeracles]

Now that you point it out, that was pretty unneccessary of me 

Seriously, don't worry, I'm now wishing I hadn't said anything

To manage the pace, I may want to take out some of the bits in chapters 5-6 (the first mock battles) that were perhaps too slow and unimportant. Does that sound right?

I liked those, they added some action early on without the need to actually kill anyone They also help Peeru's realisation of what they're up against and how this contrasts with her former life, which is in part what triggers her little crisis in chapter 7, I'm guessing, along with her visions of Dreadnought fusion blasts in chapter 9.

Another thing to consider about these combat scenes is their use as a motif that evolves throughout the piece, but we don't know yet know how central they are.

We always see Important People in the game, except Fwiffo and Tanaka/Katana, and we generally speak with them in official capacities. I always keep in mind that Captains are not ordinary people.

Also, the difference between captains and ordinary people is plausibly more pronounced for the Druuge than for most other races.

The question is, do the characters still ring true given how I deviated from expectations?

I think so, which is great because the Druuge looked like callous bastards to me in the game; I'm happy to be shown that maybe they're not all like that.

[Death 999]

Yeah, looking back on it the only part that seems to drag to me is the Frungy match. I think I'll modify it to at least make it more consistent with her frame of mind.

[Death 999]

Okay, I've reposted. As noted, it's pretty similar. If you've read it all, don't really bother. Here's a summary of the changes:

corrections:
Wugyup, not Muugko, was swinging before the tour
Peeru's hearts, not heart, several instances
Peeru is not using a translation computer in normal conversatons (chapter 17)
Peeru is commander, not captain, starting chapter 14

changes:
department that Kahso is in
Feres is identified as the navigator in chapter 9
who was getting on Wugyup's case after Muugko screwed up (Kaandor instead of Genlo)
include names of remainder of crew in section 13 (Meeki, etc.)

[Lukipela]

Just letting you know that once BEL is done, this is my next priority.

[Death 999]

Okay! I guess I'll have to get on hospital Pt 2 more urgently then!

Of course, I'm a little distracted: we're about to start the second trial in the Kohr-Ah/human hybridization project.

[Lukipela]

Of course, I'm a little distracted: we're about to start the second trial in the Kohr-Ah/human hybridization project.

This sounds like I should either congratulate you on the happy occurrence or wink my eyebrows and tell you that I intend to get some hybrid action of my own soon.

[Death 999]

Both sounds appropriate.

[Death 999]

I slipped in a few more corrections:

chapter 1, zapped a reference to a nonexistent translation computer

chapter 15, zapped an obviously incorrect mention that Peeru was unfamiliar with some human captains. She has been practicing with them, after all.