Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

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Tiberian
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Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Tiberian » Fri Oct 19, 2012 4:56 pm

(I posted this same stuff on the UQM forums few minutes ago)

I started working on this sometime in February I think. For the most part it has been fun and exciting even.

A long time ago a man in charge of a certain company that made cartoons said wisely:

"We don't make the cartoons for kids. We make them for ourselves."

Being an enthusiastic fan of Star Control, I myself have been very interested in reading this story. I hope that many of you will also find it somewhat entertaining. That said, I have no experience in writing novels - especially in English (not my native language). A big thanks to oldlaptop who proof-read the story.

So here it is:

http://koti.mbnet.fi/tibe9mm/Groombridge_Log_Part_I.pdf

I hope to receive some kind of feedback. Here's an example of the kind of feedback I'd like to get:

"... was good because ..." and "... was bad because ..."

Here's what I prefer not to get:

"didn't read lol u suck" and "no no no, in Star Control ships fight one on one, you can't change that"

And a final word: I try to stay as true to the game as possible. Sometimes it just isn't possible. There are some parts in the story and mechanics that exist in the game only because of gameplay reasons. Some of them are changed. I tried to make it more "realistic".

If even one person finds the story entertaining, my work hasn't been a waste.
Author of Star Control novelizations Groombridge Log and Eternal Doctrine. www.tommisalminenbooks.com

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Alvarin
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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Alvarin » Sat Oct 20, 2012 12:04 pm

Hi there!
I have started reading and encountered several typos. Do you want them pointed out as well, or skip it?
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Tiberian
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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Tiberian » Sat Oct 20, 2012 12:28 pm

You can send me a private message about typos so this thread can be focused on the story.
Author of Star Control novelizations Groombridge Log and Eternal Doctrine. www.tommisalminenbooks.com

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Alvarin
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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Alvarin » Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:42 pm

Finished reading the story and I enjoy it.
The story had neat pockets of overall lore inserted nicely, though some exposition is bit too long for this story format.
The structure of text itself is somewhat odd to me, as I am used to texts with longer sentences than those found in the novel.
Several things caught my attention, which I think are off -

In the beginning, Chenjesu are said to have internal hyperspace communication abilities, but it is not explained beforehand and would not be understandable by someone unfamiliar with SC2 (which I believe are target audience still).

During the initial moon approach and landing, you could have added something about delay in communications, due to the distance, to give it bit more sci-fi feeling.

The Ur-Quan drone was mentioned at battle with Ilwrath, but not during the beginning of the story. I find that weird.

The battle of Draco was mentioned twice in the story, which I didn't like much. I believe merging the two instances would be better.

The Unzervalt team is said to begin creating the colony after their rations run out. I think they wouuld have started before that, being intelligent people.

You have described Spathi as having legs equivalents, but it is established Spathi have only one foot, so this description is off.
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Tiberian
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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Tiberian » Sun Oct 21, 2012 3:56 pm

Good points. The drone-part was really difficult to implement.

I thought that if Hayes would knew that the drone had left to inform the Ur-Quan of the Vindicator, he would _never_ have opposed the Ur-Quan. That's why I had to leave the drone out of their initial conversation. I know it was kind of cheap to make Hayes "forget" about the drone, but I had to think of something or else discard the whole battle with the Ilwrath.

There were other similar situations where I thought "no, they would never do that in those circumstances" with the info given in the game.
Author of Star Control novelizations Groombridge Log and Eternal Doctrine. www.tommisalminenbooks.com

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Alvarin
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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Alvarin » Sun Oct 21, 2012 4:53 pm

You had the moonbase transmittion cutting out. This could be the trigger for the Ilwrath, but only this one.
Or, he is said to be damaged, so he just could have opted for Earth starbase for his repairs.
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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Lukipela » Tue Oct 30, 2012 7:35 pm

Getting to this in the weekend I hope.

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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Zeracles » Sun Nov 04, 2012 6:19 am

Great work!

So far I've read to the end of the first chapter and I think it's well-paced. There isn't currently a Nobel prize for science as a whole, medicine might be nearer the mark. Not a lot else to say, maybe more if I look at the rest.

Chapter 2: also good, with the suspicions conveyed in the Hayes-Zelnick conversation justified by Gruber's thoughts in chapter one.
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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Vman » Thu Jan 17, 2013 8:34 pm

I've read this, and I have to say... I like it!

What feels a bit glitchy is the coexistence of original content (by you) and copy-pasted conversations & info from the game and supplementing materials. Sometimes the copy-pasta stuff is jarring because the style feels different to yours. Maybe you could fine-tune it a bit? Don't be afraid of making some changes - you don't have to stick to canon so exactly.

Speaking of copy-pasta, it would be good if you include a disclaimer at the beginning, saying that you don't own SC2, TfB own it, you know; and also, that there is some dialogue etc. which is copied from in-game. Better to say that sort of stuff up front, I think.

Note that there are some people who might take issue with a significant part of the story being a flat-out copy.

That said, your original content really shines! Can't say I have any major gripes about it. Another reason for you not to fear to write things your own way ;)

Gruber and the other original characters are well written and feel real. Good job!

Still, I must say that Fwiffo, or at least his lines from in-game feel out of place. Though that's not a mistake of your writing of course, but rather a consequence of the Spathi (and many other races) following the 'Rule of Funny'... while your story is fairly serious in tone. So that's one of the things you might want to 'fine-tune' a bit.
(Fwiffo's original dialogue, that is the bits you came up with, feel more at home for this sort of story.)

So, all in all, despite a few issues, I enjoyed this and read it in a single breath! :D
I hope there will be more? :)-smf

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Re: Groombridge Log Part I (novel) finished!

Post by Death 999 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 2:09 pm

Having written a fanfic... it's nearly impossible to use more than snips of in-game text because the captain barely speaks. It's always a one-sided conversation.

The only two exceptions I can think of are the Kohr-Ah quote in my sig (or location?), and the VUX dialog from P6014, which I wrote with role reversal in mind.

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