Forgotten Fanfic Comments

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BaVB
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Forgotten Fanfic Comments

Post by BaVB » Mon Apr 18, 2011 1:27 pm

Here you comment about Forgotten, the fanfic of survival, hatred, Umgahs, and Pkunk!

Constructive critism is greatly appreciated.
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Death 999
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Re: Forgotten Fanfic Comments

Post by Death 999 » Mon Apr 18, 2011 4:35 pm

I see a slight improvement in some respects over The Device. There is an individual voice. Problem is, I don't think this individual would talk about those events in this way. It seems rushed, too mechanical. I can go into more details later - now's not great for me.

And in a repeat of the prologue to the one with the crux races, it's either too-broad or too-fine strokes over what would have been several novels worth of backstory (e.g. cannibalism).

The part with the transformer didn't make sense. Did you mean they had been cannibalized, rather than being cannibalized at that time?

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BaVB
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Re: Forgotten Fanfic Comments

Post by BaVB » Mon Apr 18, 2011 5:37 pm

Death 999 wrote:I see a slight improvement in some respects over The Device. There is an individual voice. Problem is, I don't think this individual would talk about those events in this way. It seems rushed, too mechanical. I can go into more details later - now's not great for me.
I understand what you mean. And it was kinda rushed, I needed to go somewhere shortly after that.

Death 999 wrote: And in a repeat of the prologue to the one with the crux races, it's either too-broad or too-fine strokes over what would have been several novels worth of backstory (e.g. cannibalism).
Okay, more unique coming in chapter 1!
Death 999 wrote: The part with the transformer didn't make sense. Did you mean they had been cannibalized, rather than being cannibalized at that time?
Yes, they were already dead by the time the Mrn came around, that was how many had been cannibalized.
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Lukipela
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Re: Forgotten Fanfic Comments

Post by Lukipela » Tue Jul 19, 2011 7:11 pm

Man your guy has rotten luck. First they get smashed by a Blazer and have to resort to cannibalism, and now they've been boarded by the Ilwrath?

I like the idea of human stragglers ending up in Pkunk space, it's an interesting set up.

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BaVB
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Re: Forgotten Fanfic Comments

Post by BaVB » Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:33 am

Lukipela wrote:Man your guy has rotten luck. First they get smashed by a Blazer and have to resort to cannibalism, and now they've been boarded by the Ilwrath?

I like the idea of human stragglers ending up in Pkunk space, it's an interesting set up.
Yeah, don't know really how I'm letting him get into all this trouble, but it's better then just living in peace at Pkunk space for the rest of his life. That wouldn't make a good few chapters. Or would it...?

And I kinda feel bad, because I had written the chapter a while back on paper (on the road with my dad, with only a notebook, pencil, and pencil sharpener) and I just typed it in. And then I read your The End fanfic and I was like "Oh, he beat me to it, hah".

And I've always loved the Pkunk, and I AM a human (or am I....?) so may as well make some more encounters.
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BaVB
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Re: Forgotten Fanfic Comments

Post by BaVB » Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:15 am

Chapter 4 is up. Not really my best chapter, but more like a setup for an even better next one.
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Death 999
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Re: Forgotten Fanfic Comments

Post by Death 999 » Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:05 pm

Chapter 2 is… utterly unbelieveable. As in, the first three paragraphs take my suspension of disbelief and crush it with the force of planets colliding.

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